Try This Instead of Throat Punching Someone

The subtle difference between "have to" and "get to"

What do you think of when asked, “What do you have to do today?”

My initial reaction is often a heavy sigh and, “Ugh. A lot.” And then I get immediately annoyed. Nothing on my list is what I want to do. I want to get on a plane and fly to Paris.

Sound familiar? The getting annoyed part, not necessarily the getting on a plane and flying to Paris part. Though, if that is you, we should talk. Between work and home, most of us have a lot on our plate. Probably things you don’t want to do. Probably things that just take up space in your day-to-day routine. And probably things that you don’t deem enjoyable.

I know. Pretty depressing. Paris sounds a lot better, right?

Here’s my list for this random Tuesday.

• I have to go to work.

• I have to do a load of laundry.

• I have to go to the grocery store.

• I have to make dinner.

• I have to write something for Substack.

• I have to go to the store to buy my son a new mouth guard for lacrosse because he lost his.

There are also have tos that probably won’t get done today but are looming:

• I have to schedule my mammogram.

• I have to finish our taxes.

• I have to figure out my shit as empty nest hood approaches.

(Hang with me because I promise this has a happy ending.)

You could ignore all of these things. (No, that’s not the better part.) You could get in the car and drive to the mountains to ski. Or drive in the opposite direction to spend a few hours at the beach. You could spend the day at the cute local coffee shop knitting and ignoring the world around you. These are all my fantasies but you can see how easy it is to pretend you don’t have a care in the world. Almost too easy.

Having a day where you ignore the things you have to do is ok. But you can’t do it every day. It will catch up with you. You will get fired or run out of PTO. You will run out of clean clothes, and without a job you won’t be able to buy new ones, or groceries…you get the idea. Everything could spiral out of control quickly. Too quickly.

There is a better way. (We are getting to the good part.) You still have to face your reality and get your shit done, but there’s a way to trick yourself into doing it that doesn’t make you want to throat punch people from anger. The throat punch reaction is real, and I know I’m not alone. Admit it. When you’ve been asked for the 537th time what’s for dinner or why there are no clean socks in the drawer, you know the feeling.

Take a few deep, cleansing breaths (because that’s always a good idea instead of throat punching someone) and reframe your list into things you GET to do.

I get to go to work.

I get to do a load of laundry.

I get to go to the grocery store.

I get to make dinner.

I get to write for Substack.

I get to go to the store to buy a new mouthguard.

Do you hear the difference? Things we have to do are tedious and annoying. Things we get to do are a choice, a privilege and something to enjoy. (Granted laundry may still be annoying but keep reading.)

Still unsure? Say these two sentences out loud:

I have to go on vacation to Key West.

I get to go on vacation to Key West.

Saying I get to go on vacation to Key West just comes out nicer, right? I like that nicer version of me so much better.

The truth is, there are a lot of people that don’t get a choice.

Someone who has been struggling to find a job would love to get to go work today. I’m grateful I get to go to a job that I enjoy. (Also because when it’s slow, like right now, I get to write for Substack. My boss is not on here so it’s fine.)

Someone who lost everything in a house fire would love to get to do a load of laundry or be in their kitchen to cook dinner. My boys are older and quite often do their own laundry, but sometimes I do it for them. By choice. And, I love getting to do it for them. I remember at one point it was to make sure my youngest was changing his underwear daily. Doing several days worth of laundry and finding one pair of underwear in the mix is not great. It’s not great. But it’s better now. Underwear is being changed regularly, and with a busy senior in high school and a kid away at college, laundry is not a top priority for them.

My husband asked me about it once, why I was doing their laundry, and I simply replied, because I get to. Because I can. And that won’t always be the case.

(He also asked why I didn’t do his laundry to which I replied that I’m not his mother and maybe he should ask her.)

I have two friends that each lost a child in 2024. Both were unexpected and very sudden. A 14-year-old daughter and a 19-year-old son. I’m quite positive those friends would give anything to have to do their child’s laundry, cook them dinner, and go to the store to buy them a mouthguard.

Change the narrative from what you have to do to what you get to do.

I have to schedule my mammogram, turns into I get to schedule my mammogram. I’m grateful my insurance covers it and I have top-notch doctors to care for me.

I have to finish our taxes, turns into I get to finish our taxes. I’m not going to lie, this one still sucks but getting to finish our taxes is better than being thrown in prison for tax evasion.

I have to figure out my shit as empty nest hood approaches turns into I get to figure my shit out. And honestly, that’s pretty damn exciting to try new things, explore new paths, and have the time to see where my life is leading me next.

This slight shift in thought can make a huge difference in your wellbeing. And save people you love from being throat punched. I told you it gets better.

Let me ask you again, what do you get to do today?

(Also saying you get to throat punch someone sounds way better than you have to throat punch someone.)